Mack's Blog » Humor is great

Best Joke Ever (via postie)

Magoo — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:13:58 +0000

This IS the best blonde joke ever…………………..

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get Started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster..”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ” he said with a deep sigh, . .. . … . ..

(scroll down)

Let’s put the corn flakes back in the box

[email:supplied]

The Haircut and Important Lesson:

Magoo — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:11:37 +0000

> One day a florist went to a barber for a
> haircut.
>
> After the cut, he asked about his bill, and
> the barber replied, ‘I
>
>
> Cannot Accept money from you. I’m doing
> community service this week.’ The florist was
> pleased and left the shop.
>
> When the
> barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
> ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at
> his door.
>
> Later, a cop
> comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
> bill,
>
> The
> barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you.
> I’m doing
>
> Community service this week.’ The cop was
> happy and left the shop.
>
> The next
> morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
> ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him
> at his door.
>
> Then a Congressman
> came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, The
> barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you.
> I’m doing community service this week.’ The
> congressman was very happy and left the
> shop.
>
> The next
> morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
> congressmen lined up waiting for a free
> haircut.
>
> And that, my
> friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
> citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[email:supplied]

“F L U , U P D A T E “

Magoo — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:52:48 +0000

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu, you need tweetment,..
And for swine flu, you need oinkment!

[email:source}

Subject: FW: Tech Support

Magoo — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:35:38 +0000

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry…

===============

Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.

Tech support: Would you click on ‘start’ for me and….

Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it.

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red…

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

===============

Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: ! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah… that one does work.

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

===============

Customer: I can’t get on the Internet..

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

===============

And last but not least…

Tech support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’

Customer: I don’t have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[email:supplied]

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

Magoo — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 12:39:59 +0000

If you ever testify in court, you might
wish you could have been as sharp as
this policeman. He was being
cross-examined by a defense attorney
during a felony trial. The lawyer was
trying to undermine the police officer’s
credibility…

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer — who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trustyour fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’

Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s
‘Best Comeback’ line — and I think he’ll win.

“We make a living by what we get, we make
a life by what we give” and DO NOT GO
WHERE THE PATH MAY LEAD … INSTEAD GO
WHERE THERE IS NO PATH AND LEAVE A TRAIL.
And always remember…Life is short,
Break the rules, Stay outside the box,
Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, and Never regret
anybody or anything that made you Smile.

[Source:email unknown]

Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical

Magoo — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:33:48 +0000

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan ‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary
movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >

(Sing It!) – If you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews’ clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it